great poise in the pocket.

i had my first shift on a football night on monday, october 4th. what fantastic social lubricant! we're talking serious man flirting. when a dolphins fan came in, his body slumping down, drowning his imminent defeat in whatever cheap beer cemented his coming week's failure, i assured them of worse things.

"i'm a bucs fan," i'd say, putting my hand on a jersyed shoulder. "at least you have a chance."

"my week is fucking over, bro" he responds. "i'm not even gonna go out this weekend!"

in the wake of his sadness i offer a cigarette or a hand wash, he doesn't bite. looks like we're both stayin in.

a patriots fan comes in. i perk up to meet his joyous attitude.

"yoooo," i say, "did you see that kick return?! so so sweet!"

"fuck yeah, baby, patriots forever! you rootin for 'em too?"

"actually, i'm a bucs fan, and i guess i'm rootin for the 'fins since they're down. but i can still appreciate crazy plays like that. that was sooo dirty."

i move like i'm dodging. "skiiirrrrrt"

"damn the bucs? i'm sorry, bro"

"ah, whatever, we're 2-1, we have a chance. so are you here with a buncha friends or what?"

"yeah, dude, and they're all dolphins fans!"

"that's so kickass, i bet you just talk sooo much shit right now."

"dude, you have no idea. the shit talking is endless."

as the game gets more one sided, the football talk becomes less fun. all the dolphins fans have completely resigned, and it's no longer a thrill for patriots fans that they're winning. it has devolved in a regular, slow night.

and then

a man comes in about 6'2, terribly gelled fauxhawk, ed hardy-like shirt, acid washed jeans, good physical shape. somewhere between a model, and a man doing drag of himself.

he asks, "yo if you were a girl/gay (couldn't tell which one he said) would you wanna fuck me?"

i grin and bat my eyes, unable to otherwise respond.

"oh no, i'm not gay or anything, i just need a confidence booster."

he looks in the mirror, pulls his sleeve up and flexes a slightly toned pasty bicep.

"you'd hit that right?"

i sip on my drink till it makes an annyoing slirp sound.

i can't give you anything but(t) love.

it is kind of strange figuring out when to talk to someone who is urinating. maybe i shouldn't talk to them at all, says the guy who drunkenly, if not aimlessly--thank jebus--launched three darts at my head because "i should know better than to say hey to someone who is trying to piss." a lot of guys though, wait. after unleashed and mid relief, they start lookin around and chat me up. it's an interesting phenomenon. in some bathrooms any view is blocked by a partition, in others depending on an angle i get a glimpse at many a phallus, taking the form of various kinds belts . they could be [knock off] leather, perhaps a guy harvey rhinestone, or even a 'punk rock' belt dick. either way, i must watch my eyes, and my tongue, for a curious wanderer gets little tips ;). a few nights ago, a guy unzipped looked at me and removed his pants, boxers and all, down to his ankles, and as i was 'forced' to look at his bare ass...

"BOOYAH! there's a lil' treat for ya!"

so far though, an all time favorite, was at the end of my [first] night at one particular bar...these two guys walk in arms around one another drunkenly stumblin and singing along to la roux's 'bullet proof'. there's a partition separating two of the stalls, but one guy pays it no mind directly starting over the wall taking his friend in full view. i puff on a cigarette while he begins to lament:

"dude, your dick makes mine look...puny i'm so embarassed"

he begins to respond, "dude..."

i take a puff...

"...don't worry about it man. your'e fine. it's all about confidence."

"thanks, dude, but how can i be confident, pissing next to that"

i laugh a little, and attempt to mask it by quickly inhaling. i cough like i've never smoked.

"aw shit, this bathroom guy thinks we're gay! guy, we're NOT gay."

"hey man, i don't assume anything. i learned early on that i can't really get a square read on anyone. i see so much crazy shit. i wouldn't worry about it."

"but seriously though, we're straight." he turns to his friend, "hahaha, this guy things we're faahhgggs.

"we're totally straight," he assures my while handing me 4 singles.

"i appreciate the tip, but i don't care if you're gay. if you are, i've got shields. take a couple, and do your thing. if you're not, whatever, this kind of shit happens in here every night ;)"