congratulations, you have a huuuge dick.

man oh man. people at clubs have hearts! you don't know how many times i've heard "i feel so bad, i have no money...you're the man though." it really gets to people when they can't tip me. life must be so hard for their broke asses, buying 4 dollar miller lites, 50 dollar half bottles of vodka, and 20 dollar hookahs. those broke ass chumps! it's okay, though. there's always a silver lining. like on my last shift, i washed all my towels way early, made sure i was ready for my shift on time and everything. i open up my bag after i've set up the table...i forgot to get new supplies. fuck. i have less than half of three packs of cigs, no condoms, no gum, and no cigars. alright. i look in my wallet: cardinal sin, i forgot change.

too many times tonight i can't make change for a 10 or 20 and lose at least two bucks each time. the big boner patron from the first post comes through, however. every time someone washes their hands he says in his argentinian accent, "tip this man! he has four children!" as the night progresses, i've more children than i have fingers and have three sick dogs. thanks, guy.

i got a hug on this shift. a somewhat rare, yet no out the ordinary occurance, most of the time i get hugs from cute guys. this one was no exception. minus the trucker hat he was quite the looker. somewhere between jeff buckley and paul j. alessi (the actor who contracts HIV in TLC's 'waterfalls'). maybe jeff buckely is pushin it, but hey i was drunk.

to end the night, this guy stumbles on in with a half full bottle of bubble gum vodka. as he pisses, he raises it violently screaming "my girlfriend just told me i have a big penis!"

no response...

he turns around. we make eye contact. "my girlfriend just told me i have a big penis!!!"

"congratulations, man. i'll drink to that!" i finish my rum and coke and he takes a shot.

"hell yeah dude," he says, "take a shot of this."

i drink the lukewarm bubblegum vodka. it goes down like some kind of reverse acid reflux cotton candy face fuck. "uggggh..."

"aw c'mon man, take another," he pushes.

"alright man, to your dick!"

*glug glug fucking glug*

the ladies love it!

when guys don't wash their hands, they always talk about it.

the most common explanations are:

my dick['s] clean

my mom taught me not to piss on my hands

i have no money

whateverrr i'm drrrruuunk

but i got me's a special one last night.

"nah, dude i'm good. i got piss all over my hands though!"

"and you don't wanna wash?

"naaaaah, the ladies love my piss fingers, baby. i can get like three of em suckin my hands off. they can't get enough of piss fingers ;)"

these two other guys were pissing next to each other, one putting his hand on the partition so he can stay standing up.

the one who needs no assistance begins conversation:

"yo, you alright? look like you about to fall over."

"what? i'm good, i'm chillin."

"well then why are you holding yourself up on the wall? you sure you're alright?"

he then proceeds to put his hands being his head as if he's about to receive oral, dawg "oh yeah, i'm chillin"

"what is that?" the other guy responds, "you don't need your hands?"

"nah, dude, i just let it hang."

"shit, i gotta hold it, i'll probably piss on myself otherwise. how big is yours anyway?"

he laughs, shakes his head, and doesn't answer.

dick asking guy (DAG), then comes up to the counter. i offer him soap and a towel.

"man, some people," he laments with a dissapointed tone, "sometimes i just like to come in here and talk. some people could talk enough to write a book, some don't say enough."

i guess not getting a dick size is really getting to him. he continues...

"you know there was a fight earlier?"

"no shit," i say.

"yeah man, you gotta have a good time, cause if you ain't, then you're having a bad time."

as he says this he turns and looks at the guy who didn't answer. apparently his silence is really making DAG have a bad time.

he finally responds: "haha, man, you're a short story at best. i'm an epic novel."

i never thought that would be a metaphor for dick size.

the more you know ~~~~^***