congratulations, you have a huuuge dick.

man oh man. people at clubs have hearts! you don't know how many times i've heard "i feel so bad, i have no money...you're the man though." it really gets to people when they can't tip me. life must be so hard for their broke asses, buying 4 dollar miller lites, 50 dollar half bottles of vodka, and 20 dollar hookahs. those broke ass chumps! it's okay, though. there's always a silver lining. like on my last shift, i washed all my towels way early, made sure i was ready for my shift on time and everything. i open up my bag after i've set up the table...i forgot to get new supplies. fuck. i have less than half of three packs of cigs, no condoms, no gum, and no cigars. alright. i look in my wallet: cardinal sin, i forgot change.

too many times tonight i can't make change for a 10 or 20 and lose at least two bucks each time. the big boner patron from the first post comes through, however. every time someone washes their hands he says in his argentinian accent, "tip this man! he has four children!" as the night progresses, i've more children than i have fingers and have three sick dogs. thanks, guy.

i got a hug on this shift. a somewhat rare, yet no out the ordinary occurance, most of the time i get hugs from cute guys. this one was no exception. minus the trucker hat he was quite the looker. somewhere between jeff buckley and paul j. alessi (the actor who contracts HIV in TLC's 'waterfalls'). maybe jeff buckely is pushin it, but hey i was drunk.

to end the night, this guy stumbles on in with a half full bottle of bubble gum vodka. as he pisses, he raises it violently screaming "my girlfriend just told me i have a big penis!"

no response...

he turns around. we make eye contact. "my girlfriend just told me i have a big penis!!!"

"congratulations, man. i'll drink to that!" i finish my rum and coke and he takes a shot.

"hell yeah dude," he says, "take a shot of this."

i drink the lukewarm bubblegum vodka. it goes down like some kind of reverse acid reflux cotton candy face fuck. "uggggh..."

"aw c'mon man, take another," he pushes.

"alright man, to your dick!"

*glug glug fucking glug*